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Dead quiet too cold late spring. Silent corridors, no parents calling their daughters. Perhaps they too knew the desultory teen conversation that this kind of day produced.
What would I have said to my parents? Sophomore year, angry at this weather, I would hike to the back of campus in an enormous wool sweater with a clove cigarette. I was smoking and pacing.
Then I would stop because adults smoked and paced. I knew that there were childlike things I needed to pay attention to. Still clothing from when we had uniforms—a we that stretched back years.
Outside again, walking along the stone towers: Junior year, the college admissions year, fear caught me. Recessive genes and molecules and Euclidian geometry.
I hated feeling afraid, but I liked what feeling afraid erased. It did not matter if I was pretty. Love, and better yet, the need for love, felt far away on those days. And then suddenly, senior year it was all pointless, and nature was returned to me in a way I never was able to possess it before.
I never could get myself to go to the library at 4 pm on a Sunday. It had to be in my room, in my desk, with my lamp on and silence. Kate was in her room, doing her math homework kneeling on the floor.
Sarah was probably at her desk. Biddleman was in the lounge under the leadened paned glass, reading history and rubbing her feet. Leigh would come out of her room and sharpen her pencils in the sharpener under the wooden balustrade. What I could not stand is that we were all going to go away from each other soon, and we would never know each other again.Sundays Main Campus (only) p.m.
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